Opening for The Wide World of Sports.

Dan - "Dan Rather (be doing something else) reporting to you live from bum-fuck nowhere for this special broadcast of “The Wide World of Sports.” Joining me today is renounced crack head and total lonely bin, Steve Erwin. Steve, welcome (to hell)."

Steve - "Glad to be on here with you, mate! G’day! I’m Steve Erwin here to bring you this once in a lifetime trip with sports in relations to humans and animals. Crikey, this is going to be great!"

Dan - "...(give me cancer now god)...We will be right back after these messages."

Commercials.

Dan – “Welcome back. On today’s program we’ll be taking a closer look at one life’s great pleasures (besides watching Saddam’s ass being kicked), the sport of finding things in an urban environment. Using the latest declassified technology from the Pentagon, we can now track anyone of you without a second thought. Let us focus now on a random civilian from the general populous of America. [Insert a live video of my avatar] With some other classified government weaponry…err, technology, we will (command and) watch this subject (nicknamed the Osyris) as he hunts for a ball.”

Steve – “That’s right, Dan. Watch as the little Osyris twitches as he awakens from the neural shock. That’s about as powerful as having an electric elephant prod shoved up your back-end, and believe me…it hurts! Suddenly, he gets a HUGE craving to find a red ball. Prancing around like a baby Joey, he soon realizes his current habitat is no place to find a ball. But then again, can you really find anything useful inside a random state ran governmental building? I know I’ve haven’t and believe you me, I’ve tried.”

Dan – “(just like inside your head)…Here with us now is the late Mr. Madden here to discuss the finer things about finding the ball. Mr. Madden, Welcome.”

Madden – “A pleasure to be here Dan. Anyway, what we have here is typical in any football game. When you have a mass of human flesh before you, a stinky, sweaty mess of man flesh, it’s hard to see just where the real pig is. The point he has to reach here is to grab the ball and run. The only way you’re going to score is be getting pass your enemy and running the ball into the in-zone.”

Dan – “Thank you Captain Obvious…”

Madden – “No problem, Dan. As you can see in the replay, one Osyris got out of the government building, he was quick to find a Toys-R-Us, which is very typical in this situation. But the problem is they never have what you need when you need it. And as always, Osyris is struggling to find the ball. Now back to the game, he managed to find one under some discarded boxes which little the isle-way and is racing back to the goal line.”

Dan – …Oh, he stopped? Lets check back with Steve, whom is now flying over the ruckus, which the Osyris has made by apparently braking through a window. Is that correct, Steve?”

Steve – “Right on, Dan. I’m currently hovering over the action with a stealth marine helicopter and let me tell you, this Shelia’s are as wild as a mother crocodile just after her babies have hatched. Running across the street, Osyris has found that the local police department riot squad is blocking his route back to the government building. It does not look good for our furry little companion. Back to you, Dan.”

Dan – “Steve, die…and mean thanks. We’ll be back with al the action in just a moment after a word (or five) from our sponsors.”

Commercials